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[24 Dec 2004|03:40pm] |
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so last minute change. Kates family is comeing over for christmas YAY!!! i love her parents
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( stepped into my life)
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[24 Dec 2004|03:00pm] |
i had th best sex of my life, TWICE this morning.
so kate loved what i got her and im glad because i had no idea if it was too over the top or just right.
~ envy is ignorance imitation is suicide
~ we've been strangers for far too long
~i know it seems funny but maybe we just said goodbye
~ isnt it strange that we've come this far and still dont know who we are.
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( stepped into my life)
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[23 Dec 2004|11:17am] |
Me and kate went out on a date last night and for once it was just me and her.
We went to dinner, a movie, and then coffee. It was very nice and i wouldnt of wanted it any other way. She ended up staying the night with me and we ended up putting a nother movie in and just talked for most of the night. It started snowing like mad around 1ish so we layed there in bed looking out the window :).
shes good to me. I still feel shes not sure about the move but i know she will do whtas best for her and not us. WEll i hop she does whats best for her.
I love her to death.
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( stepped into my life)
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[22 Dec 2004|12:58pm] |
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so kate got me a ring. It fits pefectley on my left ring finger. And as she handed it to me she told me this is a promise that we will be strong and that nothing will get in our way.
She said that shes thought about every possible thing about the move and she really cant see anything wrong with it and if she moves we will stay together which is what she wants.
hehe im cute.
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( stepped into my life)
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[21 Dec 2004|04:28pm] |
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Air. Used to breathe, to pass between unsatisfied lips. Lips left longing, used only to spout ugliness and lies, lips whose purose is yet undefined. Lips, which now move, without my knowledge, to satify only themselves. Lips that yearn to breathe once more the air that once tasted clean before my eyes were open. But why? why should my eyes taint my lips? lips do not see or hear the evil of the world. Lips consume. Lips absorb, without question and without answer , lips feel the world one breath at a time. Lips can not rest, can not be appeased. Lips which taste every moment of everyday as though it were their first... or their last. So breath into me anew, allow me to taste you for the first time. for it is not our eyes which need to be opened and blinded by perception, it is our lips. Lips which fill our lungs, lips which fill our bellies, lips which fill our hearts. So press your lips to mine breath life into me once more. And my lips will be satisfied.
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( stepped into my life)
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[21 Dec 2004|04:14pm] |
guess who has a date. Guess. Yep me!!!
lol its with kate dont worry. Its just i cant wait to go out with just her. Im all giddy.
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(1 | stepped into my life)
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[19 Dec 2004|02:07pm] |
old feelings or new feelings, which do you go with?
this isnt helping
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( stepped into my life)
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| she knows everything but the truth |
[18 Dec 2004|10:09pm] |
i took most of this week off knowing itll be good for me and kate.
::sigh:: it already feels good.
i want to let you guys know that i am happy. Im not upset or angry at anyone. Im just over worked and need some time to flop and be lazy. :)
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( stepped into my life)
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| its like i never knew you and you were watching from a far |
[18 Dec 2004|02:35am] |
ive never had more running through my head at one time.
this is me about to vent so im saying sorry now.
I have great friends, an amazing girl that likes me for me, a family that cant get any better, and a job that i cant get enough of... but, yea theres always one of those when it seems too good to be true, theres a behind the scene look into my life as no ones really seeing it right now.
i wake up every morning at 5 30 to go watch kids till 8 after 8 im at my moms taking her to the doctors so she can get tests done so she can finally get on some meds that will actually make her better. When thats finally over with and i take her home i have 10 to 20 minutes to get to work... I work 8 hour days and then alway have to show up at KL and Brandys because im a friend and thats what i have to do. The thing is they always get mad when i say that im going home at 2 in the morning.. with them calling me lame i say fine ill stay a little longer only to then have them say the only reason im staying is because they think im lame so i cant win with them. Ive been living off of 2 hours of sleep for weeks now and they dont even take the time to ask whats up whats going on in your life are you ok? No non of that.
the thing is this isnt a one time thing. I do thei everyday. Trying to make everyone happy take care of my family while making sure that i get 8 hours in at works so i can live on my own. Im sick of being the one no one takes time to care about.
Me and Kate never have time alone with each other because im having to play super hero in every ones lives but my own. I need to get away but theres no where to go. This towns taking everything away from me one by one and no one can see that im falling apart but kate and i cant find the time to talk to her.
i love her and to lose her would kill me more then whats going on now.
Ive lost everyone that i thought i could talk to because lifes making me work over time. It sucks that they cant stick around for the harder times.
all ive wanted to do for days now is to sit in thunderbird with my note book and a full cup of coffee but for some reason my cups left half empty and my pages blank.
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( stepped into my life)
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| Drop everything start it all over remember more then you like to forget |
[18 Dec 2004|02:26am] |
I want to let you in on a little secret, Im not who you think i am. In fact my disguise is so thin, im surprised you havent seen right through me.
Im the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend.
sometimes i want to rip off this facade but i cant because youll get scared and run away again. So i decided that its better to live with the lie then exspose my true feelings. I may not be the one you love today but ill let you go for now hoping one day youll fly back to me because i think youre worth the wait.
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[17 Dec 2004|09:24pm] |
we have to move again... me and chandra that is. The reason this time is becuse andry and chandra broke up and chandra doesnt want to live in the same place as him and me being a good friend is going ot move with her and then in less then a month ill be moving again with KL and KAte.
speaking of KL she talked to me and told me that shes reallyhappy that me and kate are working and that i can be happy with her. I told her thank you and that its something that will be good for me but then again she already knew that as well as everyone else.
KAte knows im scared to lose her and she keeps telling me she isnt going anywhere. I know its true but the feeling is still there. I love her and i just want soemthing i love to stay for more then a year.
she has me
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[17 Dec 2004|08:43pm] |
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youre a wild one... i like your smile... you do amazing things and i cant believe you can see. please hold me... please know... know everything
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( stepped into my life)
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[16 Dec 2004|07:56pm] |
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they say you cant find love in poetry but i they were wrong.
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( stepped into my life)
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[16 Dec 2004|11:27am] |
the stars arent the same when you watch them a lone
i came home to find kate with chandra. Its good to know that my gf and my really good friend are at the point where they can call each other for help in life. I love kate... its that simple.
I was worried a couple night ago because she stayed up talking ot KL and i ended up going home but its turns out that yes KL was telling her that she misses her and that she could change to fit what it is kate needs as a gf and a lover. Kate ended telling her that shes found who shes needs as a gf and a lover without that person having to change who they to fit it and that its not right to have KL change for her. Kates really happy with me and that makes me happy that she can tell KL that.
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( stepped into my life)
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[14 Dec 2004|05:42pm] |
to tell you the truth i cant find a single reason to run from kate. I told her my past and she did just what i wanted her to do which was simpley say "thats good to know". It left a smile on my face knowing that she knows my past but knows it wont be in my future. Shes good to and for me.
i got her flowers today just because it was tuesday and then went ice skating because its something she has never done but wanted to do for years. shes so cute when shes trying really hard to do something. I love this girl... i love her like i should love her.
a poem for a girl
you speak in fragments
unwritten words
and I fail to see your honorable intentions
I'm more alone than lonely
this stone in my stomach
tasted of gravel
and was impossible to choke down
it's unsettled;
I am my own revolution
and I never wanted you to save me
it's not like you're trying anymore any way
I want to evacuate
mind body and soul
I'd just like an escape
I will never be more than I am
for I crave to be less
I was never your desire
but I seemed to fit the lie
you kept telling yourself
withdrawal and denial
I can no longer blame myself
for not meeting your expectations
I am all I am as I am
just a girl, just a writer
secretive like a softspoken liar
as beautiful as broken glass
or a rusted razorblade
too honest to be believed
but no one gives out trust like lollipops
these days, it's all about the artificial elimination
I grasp for breath as you casually smoke your cigarette
I never thought you'd commit murder by metaphor.
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( stepped into my life)
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[14 Dec 2004|01:44pm] |
for some reason songs have been hitting me with memories of us. I dont understand it but im not going to ignor it.
matchbox twenty
"I'm not saying
there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying
we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me"
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( stepped into my life)
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[13 Dec 2004|06:15pm] |
You Smacked me up with another one of you’re withdrawals
Cant seem to get enough of you H
With your hourly therapy
Injections never seemed that hard
I know when it hits my vein
Feeling you within 8 seconds
And this rush of pleasure made me feel what no one else could
You left me speechless with a dry mouth
And weighed down
I got tired of your shit
My mind too clouded to take any more of you
And this Junk used to have its way with me
Till Angie came along
She became my Angel Dust
I breathed her in
And I couldn’t stand staying away from her
Leaving me depressed in the absence of her presence
Dreaming of hell without her
She never did stay away long
Waiting 15 minutes for her to do her magic
Making my heart beat a little faster
I thought this was love
And this exhilaration left me at an all time high
Feeling stronger with every breath
Pain was nothing to me
Not with her around
But she never stayed long
I become cold without her
Not wanting to move
My ambition lost
She left me crashing
Hard
It wasn’t long till I found my Upper
It became my Black Beauty
All in one little swallow
He made me Speed through life
He showed me how to stay up all night
He never let me eat
I turned angry to those I loved
Not needing them just wanting more
Because without him I was depressed
He became my number one drug
My will to keep going
Never wanting to stop
Not understanding why he was my Upper
Left me hating the world
I couldn’t live with him bringing me down
He was the one that lied
Made me think I had the power of happiness in the grip of one hand
With all them gone I turned to drinking
Found it was the one to help me forget
I drank days and nights away
Locked up in my room
This was Absolute depression
The all time low
Thought that this was it for me
That it couldn’t get any better
But dark days have to become light again
Worlds have to change
And she became my helper
My soul reason for living
I turned to her
With scarred arms and a broken heart
And with words of “I love you”
I was scared
Cause she spoke of what everyone else spoke of
And they left me to die
She worked slow
Bringing life back into me
Fixing a heart that was only meant for 8 years
But she gave it a lifetime
I fell in love with the perfect drug
She wrapped herself around me
It was a high ive never experienced
She got my blood flowing faster
Leaving me speechless with the promises she made
They all left but she would stay
its been four months since I inhaled her
Breathed her in
Tasted her
And her high is as good as its ever been
Shes a drug I cant live without
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( stepped into my life)
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[13 Dec 2004|11:40am] |
hey hun i dont know if youll know im talking to you but i heard this song and it remined me of us. Not so much of how it means that the person wants to kill themselve but more so of that ill be there for you
EVE 6
"friend of mine"
Are you feelin that you're on the brink
Of spilling some red in the sink
It wasn’t the easiest year
No I don’t want you to go
Are the memories too hard to take
Rape is a word with a face
No I don’t want you to go
You know I don’t want you to go
Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me here
All alone in the world with a chronic tear
I will always be here, I will always be here
I will always be here for you
We walked the promenade in the rain
With velcro shoes and an ice cream stain
You’re the only one who understands
Remember the Blake said to make sure you wake
And help save your generation
No I don’t want you to go
You know we don’t want you to go
Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me here
All alone in the world with a chronic tear
I will always be here, I will always be here
I will always be here for you
Don’t look back
The past is just that
We are We are We are We are
Awake
Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me
Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me
I will always be here
I will always be here
Friend of mine stay alive
Don’t you leave me here
All alone in the world with a chronic tear
I will always be here, I will always be here
I will always be here for you
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( stepped into my life)
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